For all movie goers. What do you think of this part of my script?
Question : For all movie goers. What do you think of this part of my script?
Int. class-day
A teacher In a short skirt standing at the one side of the board explaining a geography lesson. All the students are attentive. The door of the class flung open with a bang and a Elijah walks in. His eyes are wide as he presses a gun against his head.
Elijah
Hello Mrs. Jane, did you miss me today?
He’s grinning as he walks to the teacher’s chair and stands on it. The students gasp and the teacher hushes them down with a calm gesture.
Mrs. Jane
Give it to me, Elijah. I can find a way for you. We can talk.
Elijah (smiling even louder.)
I hate you, Mrs. Jane. You make me feel sick.
(His smile faded and got replaced with a sudden frown. He screamed out.)
I hate you all.
Ashley, a girl with yellow hair in the front row, presses her mouth against her arm with tears welling up at her eyes.
Elijah
You can’t hide for long, Ashley. You have joined in this massacre. You are an active accomplice.
Elijah closes his eyes and tightens his grip over the gun.
Elijah (whispering to himself)
I love you.
Ashley closes her eyes and presses her mouth harder against her arm.
Ashley (whispering)
No!
The gun is fired and Elijah drops dead from the chair. Blood spreads in a wide circle reflecting the students as they scream, dashing out of the class.
The screen goes dark. The screams fade away slowly. A soprano hitting the high c is heard at the background. The darkness merges into the night sky and the camera moves through a closed window.
Int. Elijah’s house-night.
On the bed, Elijah is sitting with his feet pulled back to his chest while gazing at the wall in front of him. He gets to his feet and shuts off the recorder.
Int. Kitchen-night
Elijah’s mother, Mrs. Flint is standing against the sink, washing some dishes. Elijah walks in, sits at the kitchen table then starts eating some of the chipped carrots from the plate.
Elijah
Mom, I realized that I won’t make it in school. I am not that kind of studying guy who goes back home, sleeps sometime, wakes up then attacks the books. It is just not me.
Mrs. Flint.
What do you mean? Are you dropping out or something?
Elijah (chewing at carrot)
Not exactly. All I am saying that you shouldn’t expect big things from me. Also, I guess it’d be better if you get used to teachers calling you every now and then.
Mrs. Flint towels her hands and brings a dish of pasta to the table. She sits down and starts eating from the carrots, not looking at Elijah.
Mrs. .Flint (eyeing the phone and smiling shortly.)
Sounds exciting, someone new will call.
Elijah brought a fork and sat back on his chair. He ran a finger through his hair and poked his head up, examining his reflection in the kitchen’s window to his left.
Elijah
Mom, do you find me handsome?
Mrs. Flint (eating at the pasta)
Yeah, you’re ok.. Not ugly not cute; you’re fine.
Elijah
Oh yeah… I see.
Int. Elijah’s room- day
Elijah sitting at his lap top checking wikihow page with the title “ How to become an actor” He reads it thoroughly, closes the lap top and heads down to the kitchen.
phone chip recorder
Best answer:
Answer by megann! (:
the beginning was good… i just dont get how some of the other parts tie in…
It’s good. Without knowing the genre or anything else about the story, I don’t really know what else to say. Is this the beginning or part way through?
As a fellow screenwriter, I can tell you there’s a few things you’re doing wrong. You should always, always use present tense for dialogue. That means ‘A teacher in a short skirt standing at one side of the board’ should be ‘A teacher in a short skirt STANDS at one side of the board’, and ‘Elijah brought a fork and sat back on his chair’ should be ‘Elijah BRINGS a fork and SITS back on his chair’, and so on. ‘Wrylies’ or ‘parentheticals’ should be kept to an absolute minimum. Lines like (chewing at carrot) can be given as direction lines, or omitted completely – after all, we already know he’s eating carrots. Also, you should avoid camera directions unless they’re absolutely 100% necessary for the script to make sense. It is the cinematographer’s job to direct the camera, not the writer’s.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your script!